Lord, it's not easy to share our stories with others. Help us to be open to each other, and open to You. All change, I have learned, begins with the first step. Let today be the first step in a better life for each person reading this. In the name of Jesus, amen.
I spoke to you yesterday about how desperate, and despondant, I became after a series of "hard knocks." Today I want to share with you the rest of the story. I shared this not to show you what a martyr I am, or how tough I have had it, but so that my painful experience can help you in the midst of yours.
If you came out of a horrible ordeal, and you turned and saw others in the same pit, wouldn't you reach back and lift them out? If you are in that pit, lift up your hand right now.
Lord, see each person raising their hand. I know You do. I believe you are lifting them out of their despair right now, I thank You for the hope you are instilling in their hearts even as they read these words. Father, open their eyes to Your love, and give them right now a spark that will change their lives from now on! In the name of Jesus, we recieve this blessing even now, amen.
Now, back to where we left off. Know that at no point during my experience did I ever "lose" my faith. I knew God was there all along, and sometimes that made what I was going through even harder. I believed God loved me, and His plans for me were good (read Jeremiah 29:11-14.) What I had to come to terms with, was that His plans might not be the what and the how that I invisioned for myself.
His plans might not be the what and how that I invisioned for myself.
At the worst point, I found it difficult to get out of bed. I didn't feel sad or depressed, I just felt so tired. My entire body ached. I began to schedule rest time for my kids in the afternoon, so I could lay down and rest. We moved our lessons to my bed because I was just too tired to work with my children at their desks in the schoolroom we had created downstairs.
I didn't associate what I was feeling with depression, despite the fact that I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and spent years helping others recognize and treat depression. I just thought I was getting older and this was my fate.
A couple of events made tiny differences in my thinking, and eventually made all the difference in my world. The first was a visit by one of my sisters. We had a great time, but there was something she said before she left that hit me like a brick.
She commented on the fact that I made sure everyone else had enough clothes and the things they needed, but I only wore stretchy, comfortable things. I didn't do things that make a woman feel good about herself, like a regular haircut or manicure, fresh make-up, or new clothes. She also shamed us into taking a walk after dinner each night, instead of parking ourselves in front of the television, like usual.
Seeing myself in the eyes of my sister made me realize I didn't treat myself like an adult, a contributing member of our family. I treated my self like a servant, instead of an owner.
I realized that I didn't buy myself clothes because I didn't feel I deserved to "waste" money on clothes at my weight. I didn't get my hair cut because I didn't want to "waste" money on my hair when everyone else needed haircuts, and I can just pull mine back. I didn't want to "waste" money on a manicure, because it seemed so frivolous, and new make-up, well, I still had some left so why buy more? It was only a few years old, anyway.
My sister saw what I didn't. She made me realize that I did not treat myself well at all. In fact, I treated myself as unimportant, unworthy, and un-loved. I didn't love myself and didn't demonstrate to anyone else that I was worth loving. Lucky for me I have a husband and children who felt otherwise!
I decided that even if I was not the weight I felt I "should" be, I deserved proper clothing, a good haircut as often as needed, and once in a while, a manicure was good for the soul and the self-esteem. I worked harder than anyone else in our family at caring for our home, meals, schedules, education, you name it, but I "paid" myself the least. Taking action to care for myself was an important step in my recovery.
God says about me, in Psalm 139 "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." That's straight from God.
I was waiting for someone else to come to me and say, "It's alright for you to value yourself even if it seems no one else does."
I realized finally, that God already said that to me, and expected it of me, and to wait on a human who is usually more interested in their own comfort, than in mine or anyone else's, was to put that person in the place of God.
To let anyone tell us our value is crazy in and of itself. Only God can place value on His creations, and He sent His only Son, to sacrifice His physical life to save me. There is no one of more value to God, than me.
Say it to yourself, out loud: "There is no one of more value to God, than me."
That is true of each of us. God values us each, as if we are the only one. And we are. I am the only one of me. You are the only one of you. We are each irreplaceable and infinitely of value.
Father, open our eyes to the value you place on each of us. That's all I ask. Open our eyes to our innate value. In Jesus' name, amen.
Come back tomorrow and I will share what the next event was that made a difference for me. Until then,
Love, Karen
Photo by Orlando Florin Ruso, courtesy of http://www.photoxpress.com/
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