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| Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash |
A lot has changed since I began this blog.
God called me back into the ministry of counseling and called me out of bondage. Find out more on
Renewing Your Mind Transformational Counseling and Coaching.
There will be some surprises here for some, others may be not so much. We all think our masks are on just right. You will notice the name change right off the back. It's strange saying it out loud, but I'm getting used to it. I'm getting used to a lot of things, good things, things other people take for granted because it's actually "normal" or what we want to be normal but isn't normal for far too many of us.
Read on.
"I'm Dr. Karen. I'm a counselor, coach, and speaker. I also wrote a little book about my own journey in letting go of the thoughts, beliefs, and spiritual lies that were creating depression, anxiety, chronic pain and fatigue, and how that resulted in my losing 40 lbs. without really trying. I called this 90 page book Effortless Weightloss: Small Changes That Lead to Extraordinary Results! and it actually became a best-seller - so it must mean that I am not alone in wanting something different, something more.
That was the first step in my journey to reclaim my voice, my body, my mind. A few years ago my marriage to a very unhappy man with a narcissistic personality, went from difficult but manageable, to absolutely intolerable, both to me and more importantly, my children. It wasn't until I realized the counselor (me) needed counseling, that a book was placed into my hands that made it impossible for me to deny that this was abuse - not like abuse, not at times abusive - but abuse.
It was Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. I felt like someone wrote my life down and didn't tell me about it. And I realized I was not alone, in fact, I was one of many highly functioning Christian women (and non-Christians) who was living in abuse and telling themselves it's just a difficult marriage and at least it's better than it used to be (this week).
It was Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. I felt like someone wrote my life down and didn't tell me about it. And I realized I was not alone, in fact, I was one of many highly functioning Christian women (and non-Christians) who was living in abuse and telling themselves it's just a difficult marriage and at least it's better than it used to be (this week).
I went through all the cycles that some of you are very familiar with: his denial that my experience was real (gaslighting), anger then physical intimidation, disappearing with no contact, controlling the money, threats and accusations, and then - when I was packing up to finally - this time I mean it - leave, the inevitable tears, apologies and love bombing - but no actual change, i.e., no true repentance.
Why? Because the cycle always ended up with his belief that his behavior and choices were in some way my fault. He wouldn't do this if I hadn't done that, whatever that look was I gave him or words I said that he knows what they "really" mean...I would see the shift in his mind, his eyes narrow, and I'd think, "here we go again."
Why? Because the cycle always ended up with his belief that his behavior and choices were in some way my fault. He wouldn't do this if I hadn't done that, whatever that look was I gave him or words I said that he knows what they "really" mean...I would see the shift in his mind, his eyes narrow, and I'd think, "here we go again."
I was trauma bonded, I wanted the lies to be true, addicted to Dr. Jekyll and disgusted by Mr. Hyde. I wasn't outside looking in the way I was with my clients, I was in the thick of it and it was spiraling out of my control. At its worst I realized I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and that scared me even more. I said more times than I can count, "How can we be having the same conversations and arguments 20 years later? I really thought we had a breakthrough."
Honestly, if my children had not shared with me that I was not "keeping it from them," I was not really "protecting them," and in reality, they were hurting, scared, and affected, no matter how hard I tried to make up the imbalance by being the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect Christian...I would still be trying, and I would still be failing. I would still be hearing my ex-husband say, "What about you?"
In fact, it was God who changed my thinking by saying into my spirit, "If changing you would change him, it would have already happened. It's not about you. Believing it's you makes it easy for him to stay the same. He doesn't want to change, he doesn't want help, not now. But if you trust Me, I'll help you."
That was the key, my ex-husband had coping strategies for life that were working for him on some level he needed them too, so why would he change? We don't change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the risk of changing.
That was the key, my ex-husband had coping strategies for life that were working for him on some level he needed them too, so why would he change? We don't change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the risk of changing.
God reminded me that the only person who was ready to truly change was the only person I actually could change: me. He asked me to trust Him and it was one scariest times of my life, because I was so used to relying on me, me, me. So I held my breath for what seemed like a long time, then I said, "Yes." And I've never doubted that decision, not even once.
During that year of getting out, He comforted me, brought me into intense times of prayer and fasting, required me to be really honest with my pastor, my friends, and my ministry licensing head. He led me to study what was happening neurologically that enabled change, and how changing my beliefs, thoughts, and emotions had a physical effect on my body (freeing me from being overweight and being anxious) as well as an effect on my ability to cope, make decisions, and even express and receive healthy love.
I learned from practitioners trained in neuro-plasticity how to actually change the unconcsious patterns that had been keeping me not only stuck, but unaware that I was stuck, emotionally, spiritually, physically and even financially.
I learned from practitioners trained in neuro-plasticity how to actually change the unconcsious patterns that had been keeping me not only stuck, but unaware that I was stuck, emotionally, spiritually, physically and even financially.
I was able to systematically let go of those self-limiting beliefs about...everything - and I mean really let go not just talk about letting go and saying I had let go, but feeling like I was neurologically a different person after each session, someone for whom it made no more sense to tolerate abuse than it did to tolerate slamming my hand in a drawer! Everything changed - my relationships with God, money, family, and especially with my kids.
I also learned how letting go of relying only on me frees me up to accept love, help, money, friendship and success in every area of my life! There were so many blessings God had for me but I didn't know how to receive them, so it's like I sat there begging for help but not even seeing that He was sending me help and offering me help constantly - but I had these blocks and blinders up that didn't allow me to perceive it!
Jesus Messiah approached a man who had been laying in misery for 38 years. He asked him one question: "Do you truly want to be healed?"
We might think, of course, that's what he wants, duh. What Jesus really meant was, are you ready to let go of the identity you have formed by being (your problem here)?
To heal, it has to have become more painful to stay the same than to begin to change. We have to be more afraid of where we've been than where we might go. That man was healed that very day.
We might think, of course, that's what he wants, duh. What Jesus really meant was, are you ready to let go of the identity you have formed by being (your problem here)?
To heal, it has to have become more painful to stay the same than to begin to change. We have to be more afraid of where we've been than where we might go. That man was healed that very day.
How about you? Are you truly willing to be healed?
If so visit me at Renewing Your Mind Counseling and Coaching, or
If so visit me at Renewing Your Mind Counseling and Coaching, or
or email me at renewyourmindcoach@gmail.com
