Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Renewing Your Mind Transformational Counseling & Coaching is available

Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash

A lot has changed since I began this blog.

God called me back into the ministry of counseling and called me out of bondage. Find out more on

Renewing Your Mind Transformational Counseling and Coaching.

There will be some surprises here for some, others may be not so much. We all think our masks are on just right. You will notice the name change right off the back. It's strange saying it out loud, but I'm getting used to it. I'm getting used to a lot of things, good things, things other people take for granted because it's actually "normal" or what we want to be normal but isn't normal for far too many of us.

Read on.

"I'm Dr. Karen. I'm a counselor, coach, and speaker. I also wrote a little book about my own journey in letting go of the thoughts, beliefs, and spiritual lies that were creating depression, anxiety, chronic pain and fatigue, and how that resulted in my losing 40 lbs. without really trying. I called this 90 page book Effortless Weightloss: Small Changes That Lead to Extraordinary Results! and it actually became a best-seller - so it must mean that I am not alone in wanting something different, something more.
That was the first step in my journey to reclaim my voice, my body, my mind. A few years ago my marriage to a very unhappy man with a narcissistic personality, went from difficult but manageable, to absolutely intolerable, both to me and more importantly, my children. It wasn't until I realized the counselor (me) needed counseling, that a book was placed into my hands that made it impossible for me to deny that this was abuse - not like abuse, not at times abusive - but abuse. 

It was Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. I felt like someone wrote my life down and didn't tell me about it. And I realized I was not alone, in fact, I was one of many highly functioning Christian women (and non-Christians) who was living in abuse and telling themselves it's just a difficult marriage and at least it's better than it used to be (this week).

I went through all the cycles that some of you are very familiar with: his denial that my experience was real (gaslighting), anger then physical intimidation, disappearing with no contact, controlling the money, threats and accusations, and then -  when I was packing up to finally - this time I mean it - leave, the inevitable tears, apologies and love bombing - but no actual change, i.e., no true repentance

Why? Because the cycle always ended up with his belief that his behavior and choices were in some way my fault. He wouldn't do this if I hadn't done that, whatever that look was I gave him or words I said that he knows what they "really" mean...I would see the shift in his mind, his eyes narrow, and I'd think, "here we go again."

I was trauma bonded, I wanted the lies to be true, addicted to Dr. Jekyll and disgusted by Mr. Hyde. I wasn't outside looking in the way I was with my clients, I was in the thick of it and it was spiraling out of my control. At its worst I realized I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and that scared me even more. I said more times than I can count, "How can we be having the same conversations and arguments 20 years later? I really thought we had a breakthrough." 

Honestly, if my children had not shared with me that I was not "keeping it from them," I was not really "protecting them," and in reality, they were hurting, scared, and affected, no matter how hard I tried to make up the imbalance by being the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect Christian...I would still be trying, and I would still be failing. I would still be hearing my ex-husband say, "What about you?"

 In fact,  it was God who changed my thinking by saying into my spirit, "If changing you would change him, it would have already happened. It's not about you. Believing it's you makes it easy for him to stay the same. He doesn't want to change, he doesn't want help, not now. But if you trust Me, I'll help you." 

That was the key, my ex-husband had coping strategies for life that were working for him on some level he needed them too, so why would he change? We don't change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the risk of changing. 

God reminded me that the only person who was ready to truly change was the only person I actually could change: me. He asked me to trust Him and it was one scariest times of my life, because I was so used to relying on me, me, me. So I held my breath for what seemed like a long time, then I said, "Yes." And I've never doubted that decision, not even once.

During that year of getting out, He comforted me, brought me into intense times of prayer and fasting, required me to be really honest with my pastor, my friends, and my ministry licensing head. He led me to study what was happening neurologically that enabled change, and how changing my beliefs, thoughts, and emotions had a physical effect on my body (freeing me from being overweight and being anxious) as well as an effect on my ability to cope, make decisions, and even express and receive healthy love. 

I learned from practitioners trained in neuro-plasticity how to actually change the unconcsious patterns that had been keeping me not only stuck, but unaware that I was stuck, emotionally, spiritually, physically and even financially.

I was able to systematically let go of those self-limiting beliefs about...everything - and I mean really let go not just talk about letting go and saying I had let go, but feeling like I was neurologically a different person after each session, someone for whom it made no more sense to tolerate abuse than it did to tolerate slamming my hand in a drawer! Everything changed - my relationships with God, money, family, and especially with my kids. 

I also learned how letting go of relying only on me frees me up to accept love, help, money, friendship and success in every area of my life! There were so many blessings God had for me but I didn't know how to receive them, so it's like I sat there begging for help but not even seeing that He was sending me help and offering me help constantly -  but I had these blocks and blinders up that didn't allow me to perceive it! 

Jesus Messiah approached a man who had been laying in misery for 38 years. He asked him one question: "Do you truly want to be healed?" 

We might think, of course, that's what he wants, duh. What Jesus really meant was, are you ready to let go of the identity you have formed by being (your problem here)? 

To heal, it has to have become more painful to stay the same than to begin to change. We have to be more afraid of where we've been than where we might go. That man was healed that very day.

How about you? Are you truly willing to be healed? 
If so visit me at Renewing Your Mind Counseling and Coaching, or 
​or email me at renewyourmindcoach@gmail.com

Friday, February 7, 2020

God has placed great value on you

God has placed great value on every person. In fact, before you were born, before the foundations of the world were laid, He planned you and wrote all He intended for your life in a book, according to Psalm 39. It's full of joy, and blessing, and love. Uh...so why don't we all experience that?

That's the tricky thing about being made in His image: like Him, we possess free will. We have the walk in everything that He predestined us to by making our own choice to love Him in return, or reject His love, and Him, and all that He offers.

Like any other child, He does His to demonstrate right from wrong, how to have a joy-filled life and make choices that result in blessings, or we can do it our way on our own as we see fit. That's ok. And may be up until the point of death, we can be ok with that.

We don't have God's blessings but we are doing ok working this system to get the money and success that we've been convinced is the goal, the dream, our purpose. Then we get to the sticky points. This is not the end. This wasn't even the beginning. This was choosing what's next and learning to let go, love, trust and enter in to the most rewarding and fulfilling relationship possible - with our actual Creator. Before us are two eternal choices, life or death. Choose life.

Welcome to spiritual adulting.

He paid a high price to ensure we had the option to truly love and be loved, or to stay right where we are, and all that comes with that decision. Only a human was eligible to take on the sin debt of all humans, and only God could actually accomplish it. Jesus was both...He could and He did. All we have to do is accept it. Is it available to everyone, of course, but that doesn't mean we receive it. It's like a gift sitting there unopened that was ours all along, we knew it was ours, but we never took the action of opening it and using it, so basically, it is as if we never had it at all. Our choice, always our choice.

Opening that gift opens a world of benefits, one of which is the security we really can safely and effectively fulfill God's purpose for us - everything written down in our books. This security and love drives out all fear!  No one in heaven is limiting us, in fact, our success in being and doing all we were created for is guaranteed! That's the trick though, isn't. Believing someone else might know what is better and even best for us, have more information than us, have actual control instead of the way we try to constantly take control - and decide their way is likely the better way. That's the limit for most of us - giving up our limited plan and our illusion of control for true power, true love, true success because it means someone else is the boss of me.

So I can keep making plans of my own and praying for God to bless them and prosper them and hope my plans actually are what is best for me...or, I can guarantee success by seeking what His plans are.

They are always good, they are always for me and never against me, they are always designed to give me a great future and a hope. I think I know that, but what act on is the believe that I know what I truly need inside my spirit, what my soul longs for. How can I? I don't have all the information. I'm just trying to get my needs met, trying to heal what's broken, what those people did to me, back then.
There is one who knows what my real needs are, what my purpose is, what will bring me joy and ecstasy and even financial blessing (yes, I said financial - look it up, it's in the Book).

The difference is that without the relationship with the source of blessings (He has a name and it is not "Universe") the more money we have, the less joy and sense of purpose we experience. That's what we do though, we worship the creation instead of the Creator.

With Him, the more joy and purpose we have, and the more we handle money His way and in relationship with Him, the more of all that, including money, we have at our disposal as well. The reason I am dwelling on money here is because the world system has us convinced that is our ultimate goal - money, power, success. Money by any means is safety and security and power. How is that working for your spirit? If that were the case the richest people in the world would feel the happiest, safest, and filled with purpose, but that is not the case. There is nothing wrong with money, it's our serving, and grasping at, and seeking more and more money that keeps us in bondage.

Money is necessary in this system, granted, acknowledged, buys lots of great things. I am not arguing the necessity of money. I am arguing what making money a god does to your spirit and to your finances.

Money with God results in open hands - open to receive and open to give. Money on our own results in clutched hands, closed to give and closed to receive. Sure we give to charity, give out a few bucks to the man on the corner, make ourselves feel good, but never more than we feel we can afford, because after all, it's up to us make the money, manage the money, and decide what to do with the money. It's all on us.

What if it didn't have to be all on us? What then? Now we are getting into another teaching. After all, one of our problems is that we want God's blessing without attributing those blessing to Him or being willing to be accountable to Him after we receive them. Just show me the money and get out of my life.

So let's start there. With Him, and being truthful with our relationship with Him, and whether or not we want more.

Please sir, may I have some more? Why yes, yes you may!

Psalm 39
Deuteronomy 30:15-20
Galatians 3:13-15
Romans 8:31
Jeremiah 29:11
Matthew 6:33
Romans 1:25

Thank you to Dr. Kevin Zadai, WarriorNotesSchool.com whose Introduction to The Agenda of Angels sparked the thoughts leading to this blog post.