Let's pray:
Lord, we are talking about change today, and for most of us, change is not an easy thing. Help us to embrace change. Help us to see that we cannot have anything new, if we refuse to let go of the old. Help us to keep what is helpful and good in our lives, and release the things that are not beneficial for us, anymore. In the name of Jesus, amen.
Have you ever felt stuck, trapped, or helpless in your situation in life? Are you in a storm? I have been, and it wasn't easy for me to break free.
I'm a pretty resilient person. I tend to be optimistic, see the glass as half full, look on the bright side, see the silver lining, you get it. But a few years ago I had a series of hard knocks come my way, and after a while, it became more and more difficult to get up, so to speak.
It began with a vicious custody battle over my three oldest children. I felt blindsided . . . betrayed. It was a real test of faith as a young Christian. How do you defend yourself with integrity against someone who seems to have none? I learned the hard way that having God on your heavenly side, does not mean winning every earthly battle.
During the next 8 years, our life was very difficult. There were periods of time when my ex-husband cut off communication with me while he had my children overseas, did not send them for court-ordered visitation, and did a fairly good job convincing my children that they didn't speak to me, or see me, because I had no interest in them. I cannot tell you how desperate I felt, at times.
Soon after, one of my children attempted suicide. I am so thankful God was there, when I could not be! During this same time I was far away in the states, pregnant with a little boy who was in the midst of his own fight for life, inside my womb.
My oldest son was sent home to live with my husband and me shortly after. It was a mixed blessing. What a joy to have my child home again, and how it hurt to see the angry young man he had become. My son was home when Matthew passed away just 25 hours after birth. One child returned, one child departed.
There was no time to grieve for me, and for my two children overseas, it was too hard to connect to, since there was no evidence but photos, that Matthew ever lived.
Life continued on. I hoped that some semblance of peace would resume, but instead we endured seemingly non-stop court filings, manipulation, threats, you know the score. I prayed for the day when all my children would be grown, both for their sake, and for my own.
The final straw for me, the one that broke my emotional back, came just before Christmas, about three years ago. I received a letter from my youngest son, telling me that his father had planned a "once-in-a-lifetime" family reunion over Christmas holidays and would not be sending my son for visitation.
When the courts took so long to respond that Christmas came and went, again, I literally felt something give in me. That last shred of resolve that I was going to make it through this and come out victorious in some way, at some time, dissipated like fog burning off the water.
I felt like a clock that had been ticking away like, well, clockwork, was now ever so slightly beginning to run down.
I began to slow, each day I felt a little more tired. I woke up aching, and dreading the day. I began to gain weight, first ten lbs., then another, here and here a little more until I was a good 30-40 lbs overweight. Sure, some of it was left-over baby weight, after all, being pregnant 5 times in 6 years takes a toll on anyone. But it was more than that, I was giving up.
I felt like the psalmist in Psalm 88 "A Prayer for Help in Despondency." Read it, after all, may be you are feeling the same now, as I was then.
Then, come back tomorrow and I will share what made the difference for me, and how I was able to restore my faith in myself, and my God, and re-create a happy and healthy life in the midst of the storm, not in spite of it.
Love, Karen
Photo by Starush, courtesy of http://www.photoxpress.com/
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