Rewarding kids for moving closer to the goal can jump start their learning

When we are talking about parenting, we often talk about natural and logical consequences for poor behavior. That's important, and I also want to talk about the pairing of consequences with rewards for learning more positive and desired behavior.

This style is often more motivating for younger children and for those who have become immune to consequences: reward. 

Some parents feel this is bribing heir kids to do what they should already do, although this assumes children automatically see intrinsic value in doing chores, which if you think about it, makes no sense. Valuing abstract concepts like a clean room resulting in a sense of peace and creativity are a result of maturation as well as learning first to clean up as it is what the family does - they care for their space. Most kids are interested in playing, not working and most adults could do with more playing and less working. 

So part of teaching and training is making chores an enjoyable experience instead of expecting kids to do what makes no sense to them. Have you ever seen Barney, the "clean up" song - annoying, but was an easy way to get my kids cleaning up at a young age - they wanted to because we did it together and we sang a fun song just like the kids on tv. Even today sometimes when they are cleaning I will sing the song and they laugh!. 

The alternative is simply to punish for disobedience, which can be a good tool for dangerous situations (putting a fork into the light switch or running into the street) but if we want to have close relationships with our kids, parenting with firm kindness seems a better choice these days. In any case, to be effective, punishment is best used with emotional restraint, never done in anger or as a way to get even, and only after the punishment was explained in advance and expected by the child. Too often parents spank or physically punish when they have lost control and this leads to a breakdown in the relationship that may last, as well as turn abusive.

If it helps, I will suggest some differences.  A bribe induces someone to violate their conscience or what is accepted as wrong. Sometimes kids extort money or privileges from their parents by manipulating their emotions, but this only works because it is easier for the parents to "give in" so their kids act "happy" and seem to "like them" but this actually erodes a child's self-esteem and respect for parents and those in authority. An incentive, on the other hand, inspires positive action. Bribes are secret, but incentives or rewards are done openly and offered to all who meet the requirement. 

Say you have a chore chart for your child, so they understand with pictures or a brief description of what is expected, an appropriate consequence for not doing the chore. You could instead of having a consequence for disobedience, which some kids might find worth it as the price of getting out of the chore, add a reward for doing it. A reward for chores done is a great way for kids to want to do chores, sure initially for the reward, but it is about learning first to do what is required. Pair the reward with praise so over time associate praise with doing the chore, more than they will the reward. Ultimately, kids want to know they are good enough, and they partly learn this by their jobs being done "well enough" and appropriately for their age level. 

Speaking of which, sometimes - especially in the beginning of learning at younger ages, we need to let the job stand, even if it is not up to our standards. I notice I cut myself slack on chores, sometimes saying, "good enough" but I would not have allowed a child to "get away with that and they know it. We want to move them into greater proficiency over times, just like in any job we are hired to do, it is expected that learning involves some mistakes and over time we will improve. 

This is called shaping, meaning the first goal is to teach a child how to do a job, not how to do it perfectly, and reward their efforts so they are more likely to want to do it again. May be the next time you say, "oops there's a spot" and praise their cleaning of the spot without pointing out all the others. You gradually shape their behavior with praise so that they begin to value doing doing the job as well as doing an increasingly more thorough job. This is also a good incentives for the older kids for doing it on their own without a prompt of, "It's time for chores."

When my daughter asked to get driver’s training, I told her she needed to demonstrate more maturity to me by getting herself up for work on her own, being polite to me (being the driver of her going to work), getting one chore done before we left without being asked, and getting herself out the door on time for church. Those were the milestones meaningful to me and I felt they weren't burdensome. From then on I didn't bring it up, other than if she wanted me to drive her, I would take a look and if she hadn't done her work, I simply and matter of factly said, "Once the chores are done." If that made us late, then I guess she chose to be late that day and was able to get a natural consequence to not being ready to go on time.

And when she was rude to me, I reminded her she had one chance to change her behavior (not her feelings) or I would not drive her, etc. Now, when I noticed her being kind to me or otherwise meeting my requirements,  I tried to make sure to comment on it and praise her or think her, to say I appreciated it or was proud of her. Kids need to see we notice them trying to change. 

What we focus on, we get more of. 

Setting a timeline is a good idea such as the time it takes to break a bad habit, about 30-90 days,  with the condition that she could have access to her permit and drive only on days she was behaving in an overall considerate manner. This wasn't about perfection or not allowing her to have moods, it was about words of respect and consideration.

So, rewards can be a dollar value given to each chore, but then the chores only get done when the kid needs money, and if that is ok with you, fine, but don't then enable laziness by paying for things the youth could have purchased with their earnings. 

Another say is to grant point marks for each chore done, and if it was done without prompting maybe an additional point. Add the points at the end of the week and take a trip to the dollar store to choose one item or give the equivalent money and help kids practice managing, tithing on, saving or spending their money - just as they will need to be practiced at already by the time they become adults.

I gave a small allowance so they could learn to manage money but didn't pay for chores, which I taught are a part of living in a home.  Other parents use giving allowance after chores to reflect earning a living from our effort, and either is fine, or not using money at all is fine as long as money management is taught in some way.

I don't recommend using food as a means to reward or even as the main element in any celebration (we have all Brain Retrained (TM) addressed learned food addictions in our family thanks to my former focus on food is all of that.

 But things like little prizes, or enough points in a month earning going to a movie or picking a Netflix movie for the family, or a sleepover with friends are all great options. Your kids are the best judges of what is rewarding for them!

You will come up with some great ideas over a family meeting with your kids, after all, you want the rewards to be meaningful to them without being so extravagant that it loses meaning or never happens.

Have at it and I wonder what reward ideas this will spark for you? 

God blessings on you! Dr. Karen

Rewiring relationships with Ephesians prayer moments

 I am reading a great book called "Mystically Wired: Exploring New Realms in Prayer" by Pastor Ken Wilson.

He made a suggestion of taking time throughout the day to "remember loved ones" in prayer as Paul did in Ephesians 1:15-16.

I would like to suggest to each of you to take time out for a few seconds to start, build up to minutes and longer to do the following. 

1. Stop and imagine you are sinking your brain into your heart, imagine you are going into your heart inside your body, literally feeling your heart as if you are inside of it.

Paul said:  I pray that the light of God will illuminate the eyes of your imagination (also translated heart or innermost) flooding you with light, until you experience the full revelation of the hope of his calling (to you, to which he is calling you)...  I pray that you will continually experience the immeasurable greatness of God’s power made available to you through faith. Then your lives will be an advertisement of this immense power as it works through you! This is the mighty power that was released when God raised Christ from the dead and exalted him to the place of highest honor and supreme authority in the heavenly realm! Ephesians 1:18-20

2. Imagine someone you love, and begin to list for yourself what you do love about them (if you are angry you can still remember times you felt loved by them or felt they were doing a loving thing. We MUST stop discounting the loving moments because there are ugly moments. Separate them for now.) Your brain is always in a state of now, when you remember, your brain re-experiences the event - not like a photo or video, but in the way you imagine it with the feelings you associated with it. Your brain releases chemical messengers that bathe the cells of your entire body with that information: love in the now. Areas of your brain are activated that amplify and reinforce the experience of love. 

3. Accept and believe that the Holy Spirit (who is in constant contact with God the Father and Jesus the Son) is also in residence in your heart. 

 If you really love me, you will keep the commandments I have given you and I shall ask the Father to give you someone else to stand by you, to be with you (within you) always. I mean the Spirit of Truth, whom the world cannot accept, for it can neither see nor recognize that Spirit. But you recognize him, for he is with you now and will be in your hearts. John 14:16 

4. Focus on the "memory" of your loved one and pair it with the emotion of love for as long as you can. Resist the devil's temptation to move your attention to condemning them before God - thinking of their failings and wrongdoings. Remember the PURPOSE - which is to rewire your brains to focus on love regarding this person, and as a result become more loving yourself.

5. If you catch yourself listing their wrongs, immediately choose to forgive them, ask the Lord to help them change, then ask yourself what ways you do the same thing, are the same way (it doesn't matter if you think you are not that way - trust me, this helps) and in faith that there just might be some way you are guilty of the same behavior in some form, just repent of it yourself.

6. Go back to loving your spouse while pretending/imagining/feeling you are inside your own heart.

7. Go on to the next person you want to experience in a more loving way. 

Remember, this is not about them, this is not for them, this is for you.

ALSO - set standards of behavior for yourself and commit them to God. Choose how you would like to behave even in anger and ask God to renew your mind in this area. Romans 12:2. Instead of focusing on what you don't want (what we focus on we increase), focus on what you do want. Read the description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4 and ask God what that would look like for you, in your circumstance. Simply ask the question, knowing the answer will come, may be in a dream, may be in the morning, maybe over the course of a few days, may be in a sermon, or some other means. Have faith - choose to expect an answer because I always say, what we expect we experience. 

There was a time when I noticed that when I really began praying daily for a certain change, and I also believed God would bring it about and I would pray daily for as long as it took, that it was taking about 30 days for me to see change.

It took 21 days for the angel of the Lord to break through the demonic army that was trying to prevent him from reaching Daniel with a message from the Lord. And Daniel was very practiced at prayer and Faith. 

Why do we expect we are going to get breakthrough immediately or else we are giving up?

Now, I see change much quicker because I have much less unconscious and conscious resistance and barriers to change and to God's way. For more understanding of how we block God from evidencing Himself in our awareness, go to my website www.thebrainretrain.com

Farming good soil and pearls on pigs - did we get Matthew 13 wrong?

 We've all heard the parable of the sower, and there has been so much discussion about this parable or metaphor, but I wonder if we've missed a very important point. No, it's not the point that the parable is about the soil, not the sower, although that is true. In fact, we've talked about the condition of the soil so often, we forgot about the farmer.

The only way I've heard this taught is that the sower or farmer is supposed to cast the seed everywhere, nonstop sharing the news, like a New York boy standing on the street with that little side-cocked hat, hawking papers, "Good news! Get your good news right here!" 

As if, we are supposed to witness to every single person because they might be the "one." I wish I could put a sound effect in right here: screeching tires.

(Whoa, ok for those like me who are saying, now wait, I've got to share my Good News - of course be yourself and share about your own experience anytime you're led to - I'm making another point here.) 

But, let's think about this. How many farmers do you know that walk around with a seed bag, or these days drive around a huge seed planter, and just willy-nilly drop seed everywhere they go, assuming at least some of the time, the soil is going to be receptive and fertile and they will get a crop that may even be, heaven be praised, a hundred fold? 

Is that like farming lottery? How does that make sense? I hope this person wants to hear my good news, I pray someone's heart was ready...

A farmer cannot afford to waste valuable seed, or her valuable time and resources tossing seed into the wind and hoping it lands somewhere. How could they reap a harvest if they have no idea where and which seed grew, if they keep moving along tossing out kernels here, there and everywhere?

A good farmer chooses the land where he intends to spend time investing seed. She then prepares the soil, adding nutrients and paying attention to the season, so that when the seed is planted it has the best opportunity to grow. 

A good farmer pays attention to the planted field from then on, nurturing and caring for its needs so it has the best chance possible to produce successfully. 

When the produce is fully ripe and ready to be gathered in, the farmer is there, protecting it, and rejoicing in how much has been gained. A good farmer has a relationship of care and concern for the land, the soil (you get it that this means people, right?)

So, may be stop throwing your pearls of wisdom and hope on closed minds and ears and focus on developing relationships with people who might, then, actually be interested in what you have to say. Mary Kay Ash said people don't care about what you have to say until they believe you care about their needs.

Matthew 7:6 “Who would hang earrings on a dog’s ear or throw pearls in front of wild pigs? They’ll only trample them under their feet and then turn around and tear you to pieces! 

(As translated from the Aramaic. The Greek is “Don’t let the dogs have consecrated [holy] meat.” The Aramaic word for “earrings” is almost identical to the word for “holy.” Earrings and pearls are symbols of spiritual truths given to us by God. They give us beautiful “ears” to hear his voice and impart lovely pearls of wisdom, which are not to be regarded lightly or shared with those who have their hearts closed. The Aramaic word for “throw” is almost identical to the word for “to instruct” or “to teach.” The value of wisdom is not appreciated by those who have no ears to hear it. TPT footnote e)

So read the parable of the sower, or soil, one more time as translated from the Aramaic, and see if you get one more harvest of insight, in a new way:

Matthew 13:3- 12 (TPT)

He  taught  them  many  things  by  using  stories,  parables  that  would  illustrate  spiritual  truths,  

saying:

“Consider  this:  There  was  a  farmer  who  went  out  to  sow  seeds. As  he  cast  his  seeds,  some  fell  

along  the  beaten  path  and  the  birds  came  and  ate  them. Other  seeds  fell  onto  gravel  that  had  

no  topsoil.  The  seeds  quickly  shot  up, but  when  the  days  grew  hot,  the  sprouts  were  scorched  

and withered because they had insufficient roots. Other seeds fell among the thorns and weeds, so  when  the  seeds  sprouted,  so  did the  weeds,  crowding  out  the  good  plants.

But  other  seeds fell  on  good,  rich  soil  that  kept  producing  a  good  harvest.  Some  yielded  thirty,  some  sixty,  and some even one hundred times as much as he planted! If you’re able to understand this, then you need to respond.”

Then  his  disciples  approached  Jesus  and  asked,  “Why  do  you  always  speak  to  people  in  these  

hard-to-understand parables?”

He  explained,  “You’ve  been  given  the  intimate  experience  of  insight  into  the  hidden  truths  and  

mysteries of the realm of heaven’s kingdom, but they have not. For everyone who listens with an open heart will receive progressively more revelation until  he  has  more  than  enough. But  those who  don’t  listen  with  an  open,  teachable  heart,  even  the  understanding  that  they  think  they have will be taken from them.

Find open, teachable hearts, and sow your precious Good News there. Invest in the lives of those who know they need help, love, caring for, and you'll find good soil that will produce a harvest, a person who will become a loving farmer themselves and this is how you change the world for good.

Visit me at www.thebrainretrain.com and share this blog post to someone you believe is ready to hear something new.

God help me, I'm afraid! What to do after you pray

I'm afraid, I'm praying like crazy and I don't feel any better. Help!

Paul knew exactly what you mean, and he found the answer. Thankfully he wrote it down so now we all can know!

Paul was experiencing a season of active harassment from a Satanic messenger. Oh yeah, there's actually a Satan and he really is out to get you. Now that we know that, what can we do? A lot actually.

Paul started out well, he prayed and asked Jesus to remove it. Good advice, ask God to deal with this problem. And you know what God said back?

Jesus told Paul he already possessed everything he needed to deal with this interloper. 

Wait, I thought I'm supposed to pray and take my hands off the wheel! Right?

Jesus answered, “'My grace is always more than enough for you [to ward off the Adversary’s harassment of you] AND my power finds its full expression through your weakness.' So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me [sheltering me]. So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment—when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ—I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power."

 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 TPT

Great.... everybody get happy... Seriously, what do I DO? How do I open the portal? Is it like a Stargate? Do I stand under the moon and chant? Uh.....not so much.

Now, I know most of the time I tell you (and myself) to focus on the neuropsychology aspect, to take my thoughts captive, to take charge of what I choose to think, and instead think on what God says to think on (Philippians 4:8). 

Neuro-what? Did you know your thoughts are based on beliefs about what is happening to you, usually created early in childhood, and they create your emotional response? That's right, think about it, when you are upset, what do you believe about your situation? That's why you feel that way. 

Think about it, why would God tell us to change our thoughts unless we have the power to do so?  But wait, there's more...

This time I'm going to tell you to give your brain biofeedback from your muscles, from your action. Yes! You get to DO something, because we always want to jump in and take over and do something, right? Or is that just me?

Hebrews 12:12-13 So be made strong even in your weakness by lifting up your tired hands in prayer and worship. And strengthen your weak knees, for as you keep walking forward on God’s paths [See Isa. 35:3; Prov. 4:26.] all your stumbling ways will be divinely healed!

Yes, we have Free Will, we have a part to play. I don't mean pray then do whatever you think will solve the problem, that's the opposite of what I am saying. 

I mean pray, then act like your prayers have been answered, lift up your hands in worship and go about your day, knowing that help is in action even when you don't yet see it manifested. 

Instead of continually praying for help, convincing yourself that help is not yet here (what we expect is what we experience)

decide to pray once, then continually thank God that He already knew this was going to happen and already has prepared a supernatural rescue. 

Yes, ask Him for help, acknowledge that it's His help you need, then choose to believe the help is on the way. 

Daniel prayed for God to help him and all the people in captivity, and he didn't see any results for nearly a month, but he kept believing the answer was coming. Sure enough, an angel showed up and explained, 

"He told me, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. God has heard everything that you said ever since the first day you decided to humble yourself in front of your God so that you could learn to understand things. I have come in response to your prayer. The commander of the Persian kingdom opposed me for 21 days. But then Michael, one of the chief commanders, came to help me because I was left alone with the kings of Persia." Daniel 10:12-13

Still think you are not part of a real war? Don't worry, we win, I've read the end of the book.

So, pray, decide help is on the way, and repeat until amazed. There are really cool studies in atomic research that demonstrate atoms (and photons) appear where they are expected to appear, behave as the observer decided they would. Kind of makes sense now why God says "as you believe in your heart, so it is, or so are you," Proverbs 23:7. 

Reinforce it, keep reminding yourself of every verse that says God knows the end from the beginning, He knows the thoughts He has toward you, to help you, etc. (Look these up, the post is getting really long.) It might take a month of believing, it might take years, I don't know, most of the time mine take minutes to about a month but some stuff I am counting on went on for a few years or more - remember other people have free will, too, and they may choose to never change.

THEN when you see the answer to prayer, file that memory away and decide to remind yourself of this moment, during the next crisis. Next crisis? For sure, after all that's the nature of the world at this time, until God completes His plan and removes Satan finally, the current "god of this world or age." 2 Corinthians 4:4

Jesus said, why are you surprised when evil happens? 1 Peter 4:12 

It's to be expected while Satan is roaming the earth looking for who he can steal from, kill, or destroy their lives. (1 Peter 5:8) Remember the war? You're in it whether you want to be or not. Are you going to be a victim or a victor? 

What do you do when Satan comes in your house and acts like he owns the place? 

Push him back, push him back, waaaay back - that's basically what James 4:7 says 1. Submit to God 2. Resist (push back forcibly) the devil, and 3. He will flee. 4. Game over - till the next round) 

Look, if you don't believe it, neither will Satan or any demon sent to harass you (Acts 19:16-19) so get in the Word until you are convinced of your authority (Mark 16:17-18 both literally and metaphorically - serpents and poison are metaphors for enemies and attacks on character in Aramaic, however Paul does give us the example of being protected from physical harm as well Acts 28:3-6.)

Back to Satan in my crib....(sorry, I thought I could carry that off). 

Still, I'm like "So what?" I get back in the face of evil and say, "Is that all you've got? Let me tell you something, 'He that is in me (and every other believer) is greater than he that is in the world.'" (1 John 4:4) 

Not only that, I remind myself that Jesus left us His particular brand of Peace. 

John 14:27 says “I leave the gift of peace with you—my peace. Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, but my perfect peace. Don’t yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts—instead, be courageous!"

Interestingly, these are the same words Moses gave before he died and the words God spoke to Joshua as he entered into his life’s plan of taking the promised land for Israel. See Deut. 31:8; Josh. 1:8-9; 10:25. 

Because, God has not given us a spirit of cowardly fear. See also 2 Tim. 1:7. That's Satan's specialty and if you've got it, return it for something better. You don't even need a receipt.

God's given us the Holy Spirit! "For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control (also translated revelation or instruction.)

And if the Spirit of the Living God lives inside of me, then of "whom shall I fear?' Psalm 27:1

I mean seriously, "Get thee behind me Satan" or today we might say, "Step off, Jack." Matthew 16:23

Look, when you're afraid you're in fight, flight or freeze. Make a choice in advance. "Choose this day whom you will serve (listen to, obey, respond to.) Joshua 24:15. 

Studies of which people survive attack suggest those people who had a plan in advance make it, they already created a mind map of how to escape. That's why those in law enforcement check out the exits, look at the crowd, are aware of their escape routes. 

When you are afraid, your frontal cortex shuts down and the amygdala takes over and all your brain wants to know is who do I need to fight or where can I run and if that info is not readily available, you freeze, paralyzed by fear. Is that you right now? Its time to decide.

Are you going to believe Satan (Looooser), or are you going to believe the Maker of Heaven and Earth, King of Kings, Lord of Lords who planned the whole shabang and rigged it in your favor from the beginning, always planning for you to have the authority to kick Satan's.... well, you get the drift...

You have armor (a wrap around shield called Faith that goes before you, and protects you from your past behind you, and makes all of the enemy's arrows glance off or bounce right back in his face...because I'm rubber and your glue...and you have a Sword, it's the Word of Truth, the Scripture that demonic forces cannot stand to hear you speak. Ephesians 6:10-18.) 

So be like your Daddy, be the spitting image of Him, and SPEAK things that are unseen into being. Psalm 33:9, Romans 4:17

Words have power, and I don't mean they hurt your feelings. I am talking Quantum Physics now and the Bible is full of it. 

Ok, we are getting into the need for another post. Read my upcoming book, The BrainRetrain and I will go deeper. 

For now, you've got everything you need, do something about it!

Speak the Word, then take action by lifting up your hands in praise and worship, believing that whatever you ask Him in His name (as a representative of God, as His child, under His authority and protection) He will do it. Period. John 14:13. 

Are you a sincere believer, do you believe? Who do you say Jesus is? Matthew 16:15-16

And then act like it.

I'm with you in this battle. He is with both of us. We are not alone.

If you need more help, visit me at www.thebrainretrain.com

God's love language is

 God is love. We hear that all the time. And we apply our own meaning to His love.

It's funny because God refers to Himself as a parent, a lover, a friend, a hero, a protector, a savior...

When you and I talk about true love, ultimate love, unconditional love towards our children, lover, friends, and those we want to help, we talk about concepts like "tough love," respectful, considerate, kind, sacrificial, encouraging, will tell us the truth and stop us from making a complete fool of ourselves, will back us up, in other words...a person who shows their love by their actions not by empty words.

Yet when we talk about loving God, we refer to Him accepting all we do (that's different than accepting us as we are when we open our hearts to His mercy and grace), only talking to Him when we have run out of all other options, doing what we want in spite of knowing it hurts or disrespects Him, pretending He doesn't exist (ghosting Him) when it's convenient then begging for help when we are scared or hurt ourselves. And we call God the narcissist?

How does God define love? The examples I understand best are that of a parent, a true loving parent who expects His children to grow up, mature, to develop character and have a good, long life and prosper in all things 

(3 John 1:2 "Beloved friend, I pray that you are prospering in every way and that you continually enjoy good health, just as your soul is prospering.")

Love as faithful, and faith is understanding authority. Matthew 8:5-11, 13

When Jesus entered the village of Capernaum, a captain[a] in the Roman army approached him, asking for a miracle. “Lord,” he said, “I have a son who is lying in my home, paralyzed and suffering terribly.”

Jesus responded, “I will go with you and heal him.”

But the Roman officer interjected, “Lord, who am I to have you come into my house? I understand your authority, for I too am a man who walks under authority and have authority over soldiers who serve under me. I can tell one to go and he’ll go, and another to come and he’ll come. I order my servants and they’ll do whatever I ask. So I know that all you need to do is to stand here and command healing over my son and he will be instantly healed.”

Jesus was astonished when he heard this and said to those who were following him, “He has greater faith than anyone I’ve encountered in Israel!…Then Jesus turned to the Roman officer and said, “Go home. All that you have believed for will be done for you!” And his son was healed at that very moment.

 God defines love as obedience. John 14:23-24

Jesus replied, “Loving me empowers you to obey my word.[p] And my Father will love you so deeply that we will come to you and make you our dwelling place. But those who don’t love me will not obey my words. The Father did not send me to speak my own revelation, but the words of my Father. 

Can you tell me that you do not expect a child who loves you to show you that by respecting your decisions, obeying you even if they are not mature enough to understand and agree, to believe that you love this child and have their absolute best at heart, and to trust that you are teaching them to practice self control, kindness and mercy so that they can grow into adults capable and practiced at living a mature life that creates joy, fulfillment, contentment and purpose? 

God is love, and He defines Himself as enduring, mature, and kind, even when love must do the hard thing for the true good of a loved one. True love is a strong love, and we don't develop the ability to love with strength and wisdom, knowing when to love with laughter and when to love with boundaries, unless we have first learned authority and obedience. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-11 

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.

Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten. Our present knowledge and our prophecies are but partial, but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away. When I was a child, I spoke about childish matters, for I saw things like a child and reasoned like a child. But the day came when I matured, and I set aside my childish ways. 

How and what to pray for adult children

 I'm reading Michael Van Vlymen's powerful book, Violent Prayer for your Adult Children. It's about using powerful, effectual, fervent, steadfast, relentless, fearless and unwavering prayer over our children, even after they enter adulthood and we can't be there physically to protect them or limit their access to dangers. That can feel pretty powerless.

They have free will, and now they have the legal right to exercise it even if it goes against everything we tried to teach them and instill in them. Scary thoughts! 

We are not helpless and we do not need to live in fear - but instead access the Holy Spirit of power, love and a sound mind~2 Timothy 1:7

God also has a will and while He is not not going to violate our children's will, BUT many miracles happen when we agree with God over our children. He knows all the ins and all the people who can help our children, He sends angels to encourage and often protect them some of the consequences of their poor choices, etc.

 Know what we can pray for as parents and go boldly before the throne of God declaring that we desire His will to be done, in our children. Then praise Him and watch for the miracles - even if they don't happen this day, or this year, or for some this decade, use your faith and believe they are on the way and internal changes are happening that we will see externally at some point. 

Hebrews 11:1

Pray the following every day with thanksgiving and gratitude that God agrees with you, and don't break the  agreement by doubting if you personally don't see the changes you want when you want them. 

God knows the plans He has for your children, and He will bring them about if there is anyway to work it in their will, and God knows all the ways and doors - trust Him and His perfect timing, He knows the outcome of all possibilities.

2 Peter 3:8-9 The Passion Translation

So, dear friends, don’t let this one thing escape your notice: a single day counts like a thousand years to the Lord Yahweh, and a thousand years counts as one day. This means that, contrary to man’s perspective, the Lord is not late with his promise to return, as some measure lateness. But rather, his “delay” simply reveals his loving patience toward you, because He does not want any to perish but all to come to repentance.

Isaiah 54:13 And all your children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.

What He does for one He will do for any of us: 

Acts 10:34 I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism TPT

Ask God how to specifically pray for your children and be sensitive to "hearing" Him or getting a word of knowledge from reading the Bible with that intention in mind, or listening to sound preaching or sometimes a Christian friend will say something without realizing they are answering your prayer for insight. Expect answers. 

In the meantime pray the following, pray it with authority, just because they are legally grown does not mean you can not take authority spiritually; pray relentlessly and tenaciously, daily until the prayer is realized; and pray your children see the Truth being the choices they make. 

1. Pray God's will is done in their lives now just as it is done in heaven Luke 11:1-4; 1 John 5:14

2. Pray beginning with worship, praise God who can work all things for your children's good Romans 8:28 - don't just cry and plead (although that can really get His attention too because He cares for us as His own children and His heart breaks for our needs (Genesis 16:11; 29:31; Psalm 34:18; 36:5-7; 100:4; 107:1; Romans 8:32; Philippians 4:6) Get into the right and thankful attitude about who it is we pray to.

3. Meditate on Scripture that reminds you Who He is and what He does as well as our role (Matthew 7:11; Philippians 4:8; 2 Corinthians 10:5, John 3:16; Romans 8:32; Deuteronomy 4:31; Lamentations 3:22-23; Psalm 36:5-7; Psalm 139 the whole thing but especially 1-8 and 16)

4. Start by imagining and deciding to put on the whole armor of God Ephesians 6:11-17

5. Be honest about your own intention, desires, possible manipulation for our own purposes - happens to all of us. (Psalm 66:18, 139:23-24; 

6. Pray against and bind the true enemy (John 10:10; Ephesians 6:11-17

7. Pray like you mean it (declare and decree it just like your Father does, for you are made in His image) and expect it to be accomplished based on the above (Proverbs 18:21; Mark 11:23; Psalm 2:7; Romans 10:9; Isaiah 54:17)

For example:

Isaiah 54:17 I declare on the authority of God's word that no weapon formed against my child shall prosper. 

Isaiah 55:1 Gods Word has been spoken over my child and I declare that His Word goes out from His mouth and it shall not return to Him void but it shall accomplish what God pleases and it shall prosper into the thing for which He sent it.

Matthew 18:18 What I declare is in agreement with the Word of God and therefore whatever I bind on earth (sin, addiction, rebellion, lying, etc.) shall be bound in heaven and whatever I loose on earth (God's promises, the fruit of the Holy Spirit, etc. in our children) shall be loosed in heaven.

You might go into many declarations and assertions based on Scripture:

"I been the enemy from coming into try house. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord!"

"I bind the work of the enemy in my child's life. I bind spiritual apathy."

"I loose goodness and mercy upon my children!"

"I loose the Blessings of God on my family!"

"I loose my children from the lusts of this world!"

"I bind the voice of the enemy from speaking to my children."

"I bind ungodly and destructive friendships from my children's lives."

"I loose my family from ungodly desires."

"I rebuke the devil, just as Jesus showed me in Matthew 17:18 and devil you must flee!" Also Luke 10:17

I bind sickness of the body and mind and loose health and healing in my children with the authority given to me in James 5:14 and Mark 16:17-18

If you are in Christ, then you are covered by His blood price, in His family, part of His bride and Church, His child, and you have the authority to do as He did in His name. 

I encourage you to get in the word, highlight Scripture you can declare over your children and pray to the One who actually can get a word into them. For more ideas and specific prayers, get Michael Van Vlymen's book on his website 

"Toowayhon." Oh yeah, well toowayhon to you too, buddy! Wait...what? What's a toowayhon and why do I want it?

"Toowayhon."  Oh yeah, well toowayhon to you too, buddy! Wait, what's a toowayhon and why should I want it?

Toowayhon is Aramaic (the spoken language in the time of Jesus, in Israel) and in English it is translated to blessings, to be blessed, but the Aramaic conveys so much more.

Toowayhon is the first word in each of the Beatitudes (Blessed are the...) which make up part of the Sermon on the Mount, the messianic Torah, meaning the law or teaching, about the Kingdom of God. It's like the Constitution of God's Kingdom. The Passion Translation footnotes states that this sermon teaches "all that God expects and provides for those who yield to Him. 

Jesus gives us more than laws; He gives us the promises of power to fulfill all that He asks of us." Let that sink in. He says He will give us the power we need to accomplish, do, fulfill all that He asks of us. 

Do you remember when I have talked to you about just saying "yes" to God? 

We get so concerned about being able to do what He might ask (our fears about what He might want us to do reveal our heart, reveal what we value above God, by the way) that we don't bother to say yes, until we think we have the power to fulfill that yes.

This is good news: He not only asks us to do that which is going to allow us to fulfill our purpose in life (see Psalm 139:16 ) but then He gives us the ability, resources, and power to do it!

And this has what to do with toowayhon? Is that kumbaya's brother? No, why would you ask that? Nevermind. 

Matthew 5:3 in the NKJV reads Blessed (toowayhon) are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

The Passion Translations reads What happiness comes to you when you feel your spiritual poverty [dependent on God for everything]! For yours is the realm of heaven's kingdom. 

When we get to the point where we realize we are, and welcome being, dependent on God for everything - we receive the blessings, the toowayhon! We have to get it - to know from whom our blessings come (and it isn't the universe - it's the One who created the universe.) 

We are used to the word "blessed," but toowayhon goes beyond "blessed" to refer to being "enriched, happy, fortunate, delighted, blissful, content. 

It means great happiness, prosperity (yes, I said it, face it, God prospers those who love and follow in His ways, take a breath, it's o.k.) abundant goodness, and delight! It's bliss. 

What it's saying is that toowayhon means to have the capacity to enjoy union and communion with God. 

Enjoy our lives? God wants us to enjoy our lives? I thought we were supposed to take on His suffering... Child, that is a whole 'nother teaching about accepting His sacrifice as applying to our sin but anyhoo

Here's 98 Bible verses that describe God's desire that we have enjoyment in our lives. 

Do you want to have the capacity, the ability, the willingness to enjoy your relationship with God? I do, I say yes. Read Matthew 5-7. 

 I find The Passion Translation (from the Aramaic and Hebrew) particularly meaningful to me, and you might enjoy the Amplified Version (closer to the Greek meaning which like the Hebrew/Aramaic are richer, more poetic languages than English so gives a better understanding of what was intended). A more literal word for word version is the International Standard but remember, literal does not convey context and historical meaning. The version that I first fell in love with was the good old New King James Version, it's familiar to me. 

If you have no idea what I am talking about, read the book of John. It's a good "start here." Follow that with Ephesians, it's a good "how to" or Romans. 

I recommend the Passion Translation if you want to experience it emotionally or the Amplified version if you want to have more knowledge or explanation. Always read the footnotes, they are "the rest of the story."

Need more help? Visit me at Renewing Your Mind Transformational Christian Counseling and Coaching. Sometimes we need to change our minds, literally rewire our brains, and get rid of the lies we've believed about God, so we can develop the capacity to enjoy our relationship with God. 

Till then, God toowayhon you... you know what I mean.

 

Pulled in every direction? Here's the answer

Pixabay

This morning I was feeling pulled in every direction. Should I train in this new healing method, or that? Should I focus more on teaching the Word, or building my counseling and coaching business? I read my Bible chapter today, so should I exercise first or go on to my new Bible study that just came in the mail?

Do you know what I mean? There are many good things, but not all are necessary or profitable for right now. (A paraphrase for my own purposes of 1 Corinthians 10:23 of course)

As always happens when I open my Bible - this is what first caught my eye and it directly applied to my need:

Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ. So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God,[i]praising him always. 9 Follow the example of all that we have imparted to you and the God of peace will be with you in all things. Philipians 4:6-9

Bam.....God is good.

If you're being pulled in every direction, and need help getting refocused, find out about counseling or coaching for teens, adults and children, at

Renewing Your Mind Transformational Counseling and Coaching or email me at 

renewyourmindcoach@gmail.com

Grief, loss, and mourning: What do I do?

Grief, loss and mourning are an unavoidable part of life and living. We all experience it to some degree, but no one is quite sure of the right way to navigate it. That's because while grief is a common to us all, and there are feelings and coping means we all share, grief remains a very individual and unique experience in many ways. There is no right way to grieve, but we all sense we can ease the process and complete it in a satisfying way...or stall, even halt, its progress and our ability to heal. 

Grief is a normal response to loss. It may be momentary based on the the extent of the loss, or continue or an extended period of time. We suffer minor losses every day, perhaps calling them inconveniences. Other losses are more profound and may result in a deep sense of mental anguish or grief, and sorrow.  While there are various levels of loss, the feelings of grief we experience are real at every level. 

Examples of Losses may include and not limited to:

1. Close Family Member (spouse/parent/child/sibling) including Divorce
2. Friendships and Pets
3. Health
4. Home/Personal Items/Comforts of Life
5. Jobs/Clients/Contracts/Prestige/Promotions
6. Time/Sleep/Missed Appointments

We may begin with feeling shock, especially if there was no anticipation of the loss, such as in an accident. It seems unbelievable and we want to deny that it is happening. We go numb, performing daily tasks on auto-pilot, going through the motions and only doing what is immediate and essential.  

Shock can buffer us for a time from being overpowered by our emotions and allowing us to continue to do what needs to be done. It can be a comfort to deny what has happened and live in avoidance and numbness, or medicating and dampening their emotions, but this can lead to being stuck in that moment of grieving and never truly moving on or forward. Grief must have an outlet or these stalled emotions may cause physical or emotional problems. 

When the shock wears off, and we must fact the reality and aftermath of what has happened, some rely on their faith and confidence in who God is and what He offers to the grieving. Others become unable to function or unable to begin the process of grieving, staying in a continual state of loss. Some people may travel the road of grief in a straight line always moving towards the goal of peace, others take detours or circle back, but the journey is unique to the individual. 

Common emotions are helplessness and confusion. You may discover you were emotionally unprepared, even if the loss was anticipated. While there may be “stages” of grief, going through each stage does not mean grieving has necessarily ended or that you will not experience one or more stages again. There are many events that may continue to trigger varying levels of grief as we move through time, for some these may result in the remembrance of treasured memories, for others a re-experiencing of loss. 

Common questions we all ask are: will I recover, will I get to the point it won’t hurt so much, will I regain some sense of normalcy, be able to cope, stop grieving, get through birthdays and holidays, and how long will this last? The answer is that there is no definitive answer for everyone because we each look at loss from a different perspective over time, and we each have a different level of willingness to move on from pain.  For some, the pain keeps a sense of connection with our loved one or even acts as penance for guilt, or punishment, or becomes confused with letting go of the love and the good memories, instead of simply letting go of the pain, guilt and blame. 

The answer to, will my life return to normal, is no, because we will never be the same and things will not go back to what we considered normal, however there is a new normal, and it has the possibility of being hopeful again.

In your new normal, life as you knew it before your loss will not be the same, however you will continually adjust to life as it is now. You may doubt it will happen, but remember that adjustments take time, and it is more helpful to allow yourself to simply begin to accept and adapt, instead of trying to rush forward and adopt a certain feeling, belief or way of thinking, or make permanent choices based on how you feel or are processing information, right now.

You have never experienced this particular and unique loss before, even if you have experienced other losses. Do not put yourself, or allow others to put you, on a particular time schedule to adjust to this loss and embrace the reality of your present life.

The pain inevitably lessens in some ways even if we do not want it to, and it lessens even more when we are willing to be in it, experience it (not necessarily all at once or in a short period of time, but when it presents itself) and even allow it to impart positive meaning to the loss. If you allow it to, this wound in your soul, like those in your body, will heal. 

God designed us to heal, but we can certainly choose not to. If we heal, our thoughts about our loved one, or what we lost, will remain in some form, however true healing will bring about insight, wisdom, gratitude, and peace.

There is hope for the lowly in spirit, the depressed and the broken hearted. Jesus promised, 

“The mighty Spirit of Lord Yahweh is wrapped around me because Yahweh has anointed me, as a messenger to preach good news to the poor (humbly, lowly, depressed). He sent me to heal the wounds of the brokenhearted, to tell captives, “You are free,”and to tell prisoners, “Be free from your darkness.” Luke 4:18 The Passion Translation

What happens if we don’t allow our process of mourning and instead remain in a state of continual grief? Often the result is anger towards others, ourselves and especially God, bitterness, an inability to experience joy, withdrawal from relationships that matter to us and from the people who need us, and we may either immerse ourselves in our work or feel unable to focus on work. We may create shrines in our home to keep our loss in the present, be unable to engage in holidays and happy rituals because believe we cannot gather in that treasured place or with those loved ones. As a result, the loss takes over our lives, defines us, and truly entraps us. There are few loved ones who would want their death to trap us in grief.

We can begin to release ourselves from what was, begin to adjust to the new reality, and even allow for new traditions, relationships and futures, by remembering what was good, finding meaning in the loss, and cultivating gratitude for what was, is, and is to come. 

We must allow ourselves to begin to be comforted, even by God. Do not expect for the loss to be “undone” or expect to quickly stop feeling pain, but do expect that Jesus will keep His word to never leave you or forsake you on this road you will travel. It may feel lonely, that others do not understand, but He will, He does. Lean in to the grief, and lean up to Him.  When you mourn with the Lord, you will find the comfort you long for. Matthew 5:4.

The following definitions are sourced from Webster’s 1928 American Dictionary of the English Language. 

• Loss - to be separated from a person or thing, to have no knowledge of where a person or thing is, to forfeit or be deprived of, waste or squander, people, property, money, health, reputation, destruction, ruin, defeat, waste of time, labor, or possessions. It is not a detriment when we lose bad company or evil habits.
• Grief - the pain of mind produced by loss, misfortune, injury or evils of any kind; sorrow; regret. We experience grief by sympathy for others. It may be occasioned by our own misconduct, sorrow or regret that we have done something wrong; pain accompanying repentance; when we have offended or injured a friend or the Supreme Being.
• Sorrow - the uneasiness or pain of mind which is produced by the loss of any good, real or supposed, or the disappointment in the expectation of good or happiness, loss of friends or loved one, in misfortune, calamity to friends or country. Frustrated hopes, sad, depressed, dejected.
• Mourn - to express grief or sorrow with weeping or audible sounds, sobs, sighs, or inwards silent grief. To wear the customary habit (traditional clothing, behavior or time) of mourning.
• Comfort - relief from distress of the mind, hope and consolation; from pain, ease, rest, cold, distress or uneasiness of the body. That which gives strength, support or cheers in distress, difficulty, danger or infirmity. New strength and quiet invigoration.

Grief and sorrow are a normal response to any loss, of any kind. They are natural and even necessary emotions. Grieving enables you to sustain yourself and adjust to loss. You are expected to grieve when you experience a loss.  How you do so is up to you, it’s a moment in your life, unique to you, and one that you must personalize and give to it your own meaning.  

Mourning is your outward response, the voice of  grief. Mourning is what you say and do not say, what you wear, where you go, what you do or do not do, and how long you remain in that state. It is individual but may bring comfort to mourn in ways traditional to your family, your faith, your community or to others that also seem meaningful and helpful to you. 

Give yourself the space and time to mourn. Allow yourself to be comforted in different ways. Allowing comfort does not mean forgetting who or what you lost, that you don’t care, that you are “all o.k.” or that you are anything other than choosing to not dwell only in pain, all the time. 

Treat yourself the way you would someone else who is in mourning: with compassion and kindness. Let go of what you should need, should be, and do or do not deserve. Try not to compare yourself and your grieving process with your expectations about grief and mourning. Your coping methods may not be the same as someone else. You are not the same person as you were before the loss, so try not to compare you, to you.

Accept that the normal range of emotions, experiences, feelings and sensations, beliefs and cognitive processes are wide and deep, and that you fit in there somewhere. While it is not helpful, and is even harmful, to continually focus on the emotional, physical, and spiritual pain of loss, it is just as detrimental to avoid it completely or try to shut it down every time, or deny that it is a natural and necessary part of grieving and healing. 

You wouldn’t ignore a physical injury or deny it exists, demand it heal faster than natural, judge yourself for having pain or evidence of the injury, and neither should you with grief. Acknowledge and care of your needs, your wounds, even as they change over time. Find constructive ways to heal, to participate in the process, not rushing, but also not stagnating. 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is accept help from others. We don’t want to be a burden  but when we don’t allow others to comfort us in some way, we actually create a burden for them, in that it’s more difficult for them to relieve the pain and helplessness they also feel. It’s ok to say, “I don’t know what I need.” Start with allowing friends and loved ones to initially do some minor tasks or chores, like dishes, preparing or serving food, walking or feeding pets, doing laundry, writing cards, making calls, etc. 

Take time off of work, socializing, business and focus temporarily on meeting your basic needs, including food, water, warmth, rest, security and safety. The authors of What’s Your Griefi website add, 

“While many people think coping with life after loss is only about confronting and coping with difficult grief emotions, we believe that coping encapsulates anything that helps you feel better and gives you a boost of positive emotion.”

Don’t be afraid to continue to love and feel bonded to a loved one - without apology. After my son died I continued to celebrate his birthday for a time, I still wanted cards from family members or some acknowledgement that he lived even though he died; I talked about him and how his short life affected and changed mine; and I continue to place his ornament on the Christmas tree. A death does not negate their life or their place in your heart. 

You will continue to develop your relationship - the way you relate to them - for the rest of your life and I encourage you to honor that relationship in varying ways as you move forward. For the some the greatest honor may be to meet grief with the courage to feel what must be felt and to dare to grow into a new life with new joys and sorrows. 

If you feel you are not moving forward over time, and you need help, reach out to friends, clergy, and grief groups and counselors or coaches. We cannot all be experts in all things and often we need help in learning to adapt to a new normal or learn more effective ways to cope, let go of the pain, and embrace a new way of living. 

For more help, visit Renewing Your Mind Transformational Counseling and Coaching.

This blog post relies heavily on chapter one of the NCCA course, Joy in the Midst of Mourning, by Dorothy M. Dye, PhD, and the article, “Seven Ways to Treat Yourself With Kindness While Grieving” on the website, What’s your Grief?